Know Thyself

I seem to be focussing on dreams this week. Last night, I dreamt I worked for a company that sold wholesale automotive parts. A man walked in to the office, and said that he wanted some brake shoes for his vehicle. I knew all the technical things to ask about his vehicle to determine which brake shoes he needed. I must have been going to automotive trade school in the astral zone, because I don’t know how I knew what to ask.

I had to order the parts for him, because we didn’t have them in stock. There was something about him that made me feel uneasy. He seemed a little nervous. He was well-dressed, wearing a business suit and raincoat, tall and slim, about forty years of age, and clean cut. But he was wriggling about and couldn’t seem to look me in the eye. Finally, he asked if we took credit cards. I was a little surprised because, although I didn’t know him, I had assumed he had a business account with us, and that we would be invoicing him at the end of the month. Of course, I told him that we could accept his credit card. Then, after a little more shifty eye contact and nervous wriggling,  he asked if he could pay in two payments, spread a month apart. I was a little nervous now, because we were in the wholesale business, normally dealing with retail business owners with long-standing accounts. We weren’t used to questions like this, and I had already ordered the part. I should have checked him out before I ordered it.

He hung around the office, waiting for the part to arrive. I was the only one there, and the working day was coming to an end. The parts still hadn’t arrived. I was getting nervous now and, from the corner of my eye, I could see that he was too. I started to wonder who he really was, and whether or not he had an ulterior motive. I was there alone and I was starting to get scared. Just then, my boss walked in.

Of course, he wanted to know who this guy was, hanging around the office, and I told him the story. He wasn’t very pleased that I had been selling wholesale to all and sundry who walked in off the street. I was still wondering if we would ever get rid of this guy. It looked like the parts would not be arriving that day. Out of the blue, I found myself announcing to the man, in a matter of fact sort of way, that I had a black belt in karate and that I had once broken a man’s nose with my foot. He looked at my short legs in disbelief. I involved my boss: “You remember that, don’t you, Bill? When I broke that man’s nose in karate?” Bill looked perplexed. “It was when everyone in the office joined that karate club. Remember?”, I said with a wink at Bill. “Oh, yes. I guess so.”, was the reply.

For a moment, while still asleep, I realized that I had just put on another mask. This time, it was a lie, created on the spur of the moment to confuse the enemy: the man with the shifty eyes and the nervous body language, who was hanging around my office with obvious ill-intent. Thank goodness the boss had arrived in time, but it didn’t hurt to throw on a mask just to keep the murdering rapist at bay. The boss sent him packing anyway. I don’t know how the man got home without his car but, by now, it was just the boss and me.

I was getting ready to leave, when the boss started with some comments about how I had not been diligent enough in screening the customers, and how it was lucky for me that he had come back when he did, and taken control. “ Let that be a lesson to you.”, he had implied. I felt fearful now that my job might be threatened, due to this lack of judgement on my part and that, at the very least, I had gone down in my boss's estimation. I felt less than perfect. I didn’t know what mask I would wear tomorrow to cover up these feelings of inadequacy.

Then he asked me if I had to go straight home, adding that it might be wiser if I were to accept his invitation for drinks and a bite to eat. It seemed to me that I would be doomed if I did and doomed if I didn’t. From the expression on his face, his intention seemed quite clear to me.

It was at this point that my dogs jumped on top of me, and I was forced to get out of bed. I realized again that, when faced with “controllers” in our lives, we pull out yet another mask, and the choice of mask depends on our sense of self-worth. Do we smile and pretend to go along with the boss, giving in to his will? Or do we pull out the other mask and walk out? Every little incident gives us a choice of which mask to wear. We will be prompted either from fear or desire, and we will have to face the consequences, regardless. Our perceived consequences are coloured, not only by fear or desire, but also by the masks we are already wearing. It’s hard for us to take down masks, once they are up there, and start again. The masks distort our reality, changing our entire universe.

Even the little boys in yesterday’s dream were wearing masks. They were only about ten years old and, already, they had insulated themselves against the world, clinging together and seeing only the ocean in which they threw their stones. The ocean, of course, is the symbol of the universal unconscious. We pelt our subconscious with stones of defiance, rather than expose our vulnerability.

Again I see Hamad’s earnest face, as he offers to share his life with me, and protect me from the world. I see how, without his mask, he is vulnerable to all those who would like to take advantage of his good heart. (see blog: HOW MUCH DOES A CHICKEN COST?).